anxious drinking

I’m drinking too fast tonight
trying to calm my nerves
that normally lie dormant

these two girls —
one tall, one short
like my friend and I —
come talk to us
in a room where
I’m paranoidly convinced
I’m somewhere I’m not welcome

the shorter one vaguely reminds me
of someone I loved in a past life
before I jumped off that ledge

she tells me I should dye my hair
platinum blonde
I say only if she dyes hers
blue
we fist-bump in agreement

we lose them and I stand
listening to the music and I keep
staring

staring

staring
staring at strings of lights along the ceiling
like they’ve got all the answers
to my problems, thinking how
earlier my friend and I
were drunkenly trying to figure out
how long those bulbs last
with their extra large filaments

do they last long lives unfulfilled
or just as long as any other bulb
leaving less light in this dark world?

the nerves that settled down are fighting again
and I lean back into the back seat of my brain
telling the quarreling siblings
to shut the fuck up.

and now I’m lost in the music
staring

staring

staring
staring at these lights again
and I’m so lost I get surprised when the music ends

we zip up our coats to leave
as I think at least I won’t be dying
my hair platinum blonde tonight