On Breaking Hearts

As I sit here, questioning my M.O.
I add another heart, broken
I think “How can I change this reckless soul?”
staring at this container, left open

I add another heart, broken
losing track of my count
staring at this container, left open
how could it get to this amount?

Losing track of my count
the pain I’ve caused that can’t be undone
how could I get to this amount
I never meant to hurt anyone

The pain I’ve caused that can’t be undone
why does this keep happening?
I never meant to hurt anyone
to start this cycle, unending

Why does this keep happening?
Am I just a shitty person?
Can I stop this cycle, unending?
or will my past be too great a burden?

But I’m not a shitty person
I’ve just hid from past hardships
but I’ll no longer be a burden
I’ll rip off these old bandages

I’ve just hid from past hardships
of an armed robbery and loving abuser
it’s time to rip off these old bandages
and finally heal this wound with sutures

Of an armed robbery and loving abuser
I will confront and conquer
and finally heal this wound with sutures
turning from victim to victor

I will confront and conquer
and change this reckless soul
I’ll turn myself from victim to victor
and slowly change my M.O.

Nice Doesn’t Mean Perfect

It’s a hard truth to accept, isn’t it? I think many of us have been through the experience; You’re dating someone, and nothing’s wrong, but at the same time, nothing’s great either. That’s not to say it’s a nightmare. In fact, you laugh with them on a fairly regular basis and even enjoy their company. Things have just taken a path different from what you expected.

You try everything you can think of. Trips to new places, learning more about this other person, even talking about how you feel, and still nothing’s working. No amount of new experiences or talking can seem to help. It might mask it for a little bit, but at the end of the day, the feeling’s still there.

The guilt starts to set in. How did this happen? What did I do wrong? It all feels like your fault, and it gets trapped in your chest like a bunch of starved tarantulas in a cage trying to get out and forage.

And you know what needs to happen next. For the sake of yourself and them, you know you’ll have to say those dreaded words:

“I’m breaking up with you.”

Even just thinking of it makes you sick to your stomach. You might not want to be with them as a partner anymore, but at the same time you don’t want to hurt them. While the feeling’s gone, you still consider them to be your friend.

But think of it this way: if you know you don’t love them anymore, staying with them is, in a way, hurting them as well. They may not know anything’s wrong, think the problem’s been solved, or maybe they’ve been on edge about it the whole time. They’re also losing precious time that could be used to process and move on from the relationship.

The longer you wait, the worse it will be.

It’s not going to be easy, but hopefully they’ll understand and maybe you’ll even be able to end things on amicable terms. Either way, you’ll feel incredibly relieved to have it out there, and both of you will be one step further along on your relationship pathway.

So be respectful, be kind, and let them down gently, but know you’re making the best choice for both of you. They may be nice, but if there’s no more sparks for you and you’ve tried what you can, it’s best to move on and learn from the experience.  After all, nice doesn’t mean perfect.